Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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