And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
