How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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