Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
