I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
