My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
