So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
