If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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