I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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