Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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