i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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