dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
