Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
