This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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