Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.