when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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