its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
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She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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