cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
