called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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