the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize