You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
