So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
