I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
