Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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