Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
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Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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