I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
