this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
