if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
