the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You made out with two different species that night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
