remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
