clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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