Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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