he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
