A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
