she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
