Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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