**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
