hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
