You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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