God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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