Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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