im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
