Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
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How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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