I can text with my tongue
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
