she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
