1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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