I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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