onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
