Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
