Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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