i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
