my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Where did you get a picture of my penis
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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