I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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