Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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